Seeking Rakuen

So? SO?

Who needs a friend like that anyway...?

. . . .*sniffs* I did. .

I wonder, if I'd known that the choice was "be my girlfriend or be nothing to me" if I would have acted/chosen any differently.

I should have known before this whole thing even got started that it was too risky to even entertain the IDEA of dating. That friendship meant too much to me, and now I don't have it anymore. And, like the residual stinging after a blow, it occurs to me that maybe the friendship without the possibility of more between us didn't mean that much to him. Or, at least, not as much as it did to me.

So? It's ok, right? This isn't the first time he's turned his back on me. If there's anyway to repair this, which I seriously doubt, it probably won't be the last. I should really be used to it by now. And I should have never ever let myself lean on him so heavily. I should never EVER have trusted him with so much of me.

So I'll try to stop feeling so shattered. Pretend it never happened. Pretend it never existed at all. In time, I'm sure I'll be able to convince myself that it's ok to be alone. In time I'll learn not to rely on anyone for anything.

In the meantime I'll try to stop my inner wrists from itching and try to ignore the aching, straining feeling in my chest that seems to be a yearning to have something sharp and cool slide between my ribs and into my heart. I am not entirely comfortable with the physical manifestations of my depression. All I know is that's what it feels like.

I feel stupid and embarrassed. I'm going to go crawl into a hole now. I wish I had the inability to cry.

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

She shook her head, and then she turned to face the kitchen that she had made half her own. Her face had grown less gaunt with food and shelter. She was not beautiful.
But she was. Oh, she was.
She said, flatly, "Let me go." More in the words than his hands could cause. He trembled as he removed them.
She opened the door. Stepped out.
"You have the key," he shouted after her retreating back. "I'm not about to change the locks."
She stared at him for a minute, and then she turned and ran. And he let her go.

--The Rose Garden, Michelle West

Certain passages echo with me when I read them. This one made me sad because it reminded me that I know what it is to run away from feelings out of fear and out of the inability to let go of past betrayal and hurt.

My happy ending didn't happen, and I didn't go back. Maybe some day I can fix it..but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I'm going to nurse my fever and write off these weird feelings and memories as delirium.

I dunno what it is..whether it's feeling nostalgia, or just because I built up this huge fantasy in my head, but I frequently find my thoughts straying. Especially tonight. Tonight I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be and that in a few weeks or months my life is going to be completely different than what it is now. Living somewhere else, seeing someone else...I think it's just the fantasy thing.

I just..I put some deliberate distance between me and that fantasy and it's just stopped helping. Hopefully it'll pass. Reality is never as good as fantasy, and if I actually took action toward it, I'm sure it'd crumble really quickly. And the resultant crash would be nigh on irreparable.

I just don't know what to do with myself..seriously.

Anyway...update time I guess.

Bad:
Got fired
Dying pet rat
School issues
Constantly broke
Bickering with boyfriend (constantly)

Good:
Got a new job
Getting promoted
Kris has decided that he can be friends with me after all and dumped his bitchy fiancee (I'm a sucker and it really just took one apology and "I wanna be friends" for me to forgive him for ABANDONING me)
Boyfriend is actually really sweet and vast improvement over previous boyfriend (Yes, about 50/50 I love and dislike my relationship..not the guy, just the relationship dynamic)
Various subtle inexplicable things that lead me to be overall pretty happy right now.

That was a crappy update. Oh well. My mind just doesn't want to settle to what I set it to doing.

In other news: Starting tomorrow I'm back on trying to lose weight. I majorly slacked. I've succeeded in just about completely cutting out soda..I've cut back by about 80%. I just..everyone around me is losing weight and dieting and making these healthy changes and I'm sitting around getting jealous when I should just be freaking DOING something about it. My sister, who has always been this short, entirely round person has lost like 75 pounds! And is now my size! Maybe smaller! I'm no longer the "little" sister! I'm still younger, but no longer littler (though I've always been taller).

Anyway..I just..I need to do something. I'd be happy if I could just drop 20 lbs..that's not a huge weight loss. Not really. I honestly think my goal should be 150, but I'd be happy with 180. I would. I just need to STOP BEING LAZY. I get so freaking lazy...

Anyway, my weight loss plan is to try and cut my portions in half on everything, eat healthier in general, and try to munch more on healthier things throughout the day. I'm also going to try to ride my bike as often as I can, and do my Wii Fit every day.

That's about all I've got for tonight..I should get to bed for work in the AM.

God DAMMIT.

This is fucking ridiculous. I understand jealous, I really do. I can be pretty jealous myself. But what I find completely inexcusable is to snap at me about HIS jealousy issues, effectively picking a fight, and then just go silent. Bad enough that this argument is all via text, and I know that tomorrow I'll either get the excuse "I fell asleep" or "I didn't get your text". Funny how those things always seem to happen when he's pissed about something, isn't it?

Oh, here we go..incoming text. Yep, pulling the "didn't get your texts" card again. Fuck that.

I'm getting really sick of this crap and we haven't been dating that long. This is some bullshit.

See? I knew I was in trouble.

One exchange is just not enough. I mean, it's better than silence don't get me wrong..but I'm remarkably lonely. Fidgeting and antsy...I'm such a worrier.

I hope he's ok >.

I've been doing so well lately...I've been pretty chipper and happy.

I don't even know what made me do it, but I dug up my old memories, and searched out my old pathetic haunts on the internet. Someone who was dear to me is gone, and the knowledge makes me so so sad. I don't think I'll ever be done grieving. One small part of my heart will always belong to this person, and that small part will always be broken.

I cherish that broken piece of my heart..not only because it belongs to this person, and serves as a reminder but also because it is proof that I once really truly loved this person. It is an intensity of emotion that can never be matched: the first love.

I believe there is more beyond this life. Into that void of the unknown, I send to this person and to all the other people I have loved who have left: I think of you often. I miss the spark of your life. I cherish your memory.

So now, crying tears that for once don't cause me to feel ashamed or angry...tears that for a rarity feel soothing..a balm for my heart...I will once again set those memories aside, and turn my face to the future.

The Impulse

It was too lonely for her there,
And too wild,
And since there were but the two of them,
And no child,

And work was little in the house,
She was free,
And followed where he furrowed field,
Or felled tree.

She rested on a log and tossed
The fresh chips,
With a song only to herself
On her lips.

And once she went to break a bough
Of black alder.
She strayed so far she scarcely heard
When he called her---

And didn't answer--didn't speak--
Or return.
She stood, and then she ran and hid
In the fern.

He never found her, though he looked
Everywhere,
And he asked at her mother's house
Was she there.

Sudden and swift and light as that
The ties gave,
And he learned of finalities
Besides the grave.



To the Thawing Wind

Come with rain, O loud Southwester!
Bring the singer, bring the nester;
Give the buried flower a dream;
Make the settled snowbank steam;
Find the brown beneath the white;
But whate'er you do tonight,
Bathe my window, make it flow,
Melt it as the ice will go;
Melt the glass and leave the sticks
Like a hermit's crucifix;
Burst into my narrow stall;
Swing the picture on the wall;
Run the rattling pages o'er;
Scatter poems on the floor;
Turn the poet out the door.

Poetry by Robert Frost

Yes, please, Southwester...I'm badly in need of spring

i have found what you are like
the rain,

(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness

deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned

newfragile yellows

lurch and.press

-in the woods
which
stutter
and

sing

And the coolness of your smile is
stirringofbirds between my arms;but
i should rather than anything
have(almost when hugeness will shut
quietly)almost,
your kiss

- ee cummings



I shouldn't listen to depressing music. It makes me too mellow, and when I get to mellow I get depressed. Terribly cyclical.

I just wish I knew what was going on. It's disheartening to be happy one moment and full of doubt the next. Well..I knew I was in trouble. It's no more than I should have expected.

It is still new to her that passion
could steer her wrong
though she went down, a thousand times
strung out
across railroad tracks, off bridges
under cars, or stiff
glass bottle still in hand, hair soft
on greasy pillows, still it is
new she cannot follow love (his
burning footsteps in blue crystal
snow) & still
come out all right.

- Diane Di Prima

Feeling a little depressed and lonely.

Nothing to elaborate on...just...that.


EDIT: 3 hours later, I think I'm tentatively ecstatic